Calvary Stills All My Questions
I have been reading Amy Carmichael’s Rose from Brier again this week. Of all the gems in this little book there is one chapter I run to over and over again. Through the years it has taken root in my head and heart and finally silenced my “Why God???”
What, then, is the answer? I do not know. I believe that it is one of the secret things of the Lord, which will not be opened to us till we see Him who endured the Cross, see the scars in His hands and feet and side, see Him, our Beloved, face to face. I believe that in the revelation of love, which is far past our understanding now, we shall “understand even as all along we have been understood.” And till then? . . . There is only one way of peace. It is the child’s way. The loving child trusts. I believe that we who know our God, and have proved Him good past telling, will find rest there. The faith of the child rests on the character it knows. So may ours; so shall ours. Our Father does not explain, nor does He assure us as we long to be assured. . . But we know our Father. We know His character. Somehow, somewhere, the wrong must be put right; how we do not know, only we know that, because He is what He is, anything else is inconceivable. . . There is only one place where we can receive, not an answer to our question, but peace–that place is Calvary. An hour at the foot of the Cross steadies the soul as nothing else can. “Oh Christ Beloved, Thy Calvary stills all our questions.” Love that loves like that can be trusted about this.
A Father who loves me enough to give His only Son to die for me can be trusted. And so once again I lay it all down here at Calvary. I surrender my body to Him, a living sacrifice, and offer thanksgiving for this pain which helps me see more clearly the price that was paid for my sin. I breathe gratitude for an affliction that keeps my eyes fixed on things above and not on this earth.
I am slipping further away from the health He lovingly granted through my last plasmapheresis treatments in early September. I have been very ill since I returned from Texas. I am on my third kind of antibiotic but my blood titers are back up. This means I was reinfected at some point. I will see the doctor who helped me arrange local outpatient pheresis tomorrow afternoon. The risks of pursuing this again are clear. The beautifully designed network of veins and arteries in my body are faulty. They are lacking the collagen to keep them strong. They heal poorly after being punctured or cut. The only way this treatment works is using a catheter that is large enough to allow blood and plasma to enter and leave your body at the same time. It is placed in my jugular or large artery very near my heart. Every time we slice we are taking a risk. I weigh this with my desire to have more months of wellness and perhaps a body that eventually learns to fight infection on its own. I believe this can happen. This is how I pray for healing.
Delaney’s choir program is tonight. Her outfit we paid extra shipping for has not arrived. (Please God, could you send UPS before 6:00 pm???) Once again someone will send me a disc with a video of my darling girl singing. I will be missing life. This loss builds into a crescendo when it has been years and years of what often feels like failure. This is what I wanted to do well. This is what I had finally surrendered to as my “High Calling.” After working outside the home in search of affirmation and success God finally healed my divided heart and focused it on being Dan’s wife and Delaney and Danica’s mother.
As I sat at the foot of the cross today I remembered my pride and self sufficiency before all this began in earnest. I see how He has lovingly confronted my striving heart with deep need to humble myself and become dependent on others, including my husband and children, for even very basic things. I look full in His face. I don’t ask “Why?” His love for me stills this question forever.
“Love that loves like that can be trusted about this.”
Tammy Robinson (Evans)December 11, 2014 at 4:02 pm (8 years ago)
Beautifully written. Thank you for encouraging others who are weary and worn when I know your battle is big and so real. So thankful our Heavenly Father is so BIG and so REAL! Love you my sweet friend.
Jan CutterDecember 11, 2014 at 7:54 pm (8 years ago)
Just returned from ROCK ministry. I learned a good lesson watching these kids from the inner city. I think I have a grateful heart, I pray daily to have a grateful heart, I tell others to have a grateful heart – as that is something the Lord showed me I needed when I became a Christian. Then the Lord brings me to my knees and tells me…you have no idea how much I have blessed you. But so often HE shows me and I am more grateful than before. So while I am filled with joy that the first week of this ministry went well, I am sad for these children and what I see as lacking in their young lives. I pray I can return next month; I pray for guidance in how to help them. I pray they get to know the JESUS I am grateful for. and, Monica, I am ever so grateful for you and for your faith, and wisdom, and sharing, and love in spite of your own pain. As your friend above said “I love you”.
Diane baileyDecember 13, 2014 at 1:09 am (8 years ago)
monica, my new friend. Please know you are in my prayers. Please feel the hug from my heart.
I can imagine how difficult this is. You are brave. I admire you so much.
MonicaDecember 13, 2014 at 6:53 pm (8 years ago)
Thank you Diane. This too is gift. It is Grace. I need only trust His heart for me. Your prayers matter. I often thing of the lame man who needed to get to Jesus, and His friends carried his mat and lowered him through the roof. When I am too weak, too tired, too sick to even know what to ask I know so many are carrying my mat. I love how Jesus gave him spiritual healing first. I believe this pain and struggle are part of the soul work He is doing. Much love to you. I am grateful to have met you at Laity!