I Am No Victim


Define yourselfI am having trouble finding words. Following each new trauma it’s taking me longer to recover, and I see pieces of myself disappear completely. There is scar tissue in my heart and mind where a rejuvenation simply may not take place. I am frustrated. I wish I didn’t have to keep writing, but I must try now more than ever.

I’m a month post-op from two shunt surgeries at Hershey Medical Center in Pennsylvania. Something is wrong again. The lumbar peritoneal shunt is hurting more than any brain pressure relief it could bring. My dad will drive me back to Hershey Sunday for a Monday surgery, my 4th since March. I’m broken. I won’t try to describe my pain anymore. It refuses to be named. I’m afraid for my life.

Months ago I walked into Delaney’s room and heard a hauntingly beautiful song by Kristene Demarco playing on her little bluetooth speaker. It’s become my anthem.

I’m desperate. I’m angry. I’m sad. I’m confused. I’m misunderstood. I’m lonely. I’m scared. I’m tired. Oh so tired. When these feelings try to define me I play the truth. Over and over again.

I am no victim. I am who He says I am. He is who He says He is. I’m defined by all His promises. Shaped by every word He says. 

In my suffering I am tested. I hear Him asking me, “Who do You say that I am?”

You are God. More than able, Ever Faithful. Always good.

There are beautiful stories to tell. He’s put His arms around me and called me Beloved. This would be enough. Dayenu. This is enough. But His Grace is greater.

I began blogging in 2010 on Team Danica because so many of you wanted to know how to pray, how to give and how to carry our hearts. It was a way for me to share information when I had no strength to share the emotions over and over on a personal level. I am in this same place right now.

God is making a way for our family. I will have surgery again next week. Somehow in the following weeks He will carry us to Arizona, a place where I feel the most well and will have the best chance to heal and live. Dan will take some time off work to care for me. There are a hundred details that are unknown. If there was ever a stepping out in faith this is it.

Thank you for praying and for loving. Your steadfast friendship shines truth too.

This song is on repeat as I fall asleep every night. This album is playing over and over again in our home, on my phone, on my Kindle and in my car. Find it. Download it. Stream it. Buy an old school CD. Know for sure. Whatever hard you are facing. You are no victim. You are who He says you are, and He is who He says He is. Believe it. Rest in it tonight. You are beloved.

Our Hope Remains.

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11 Comments on I Am No Victim

  1. Melissa Collins Hall
    August 10, 2018 at 12:03 am (6 years ago)

    Thank you for fighting so that I’m not alone. I’m praying for your relief. I’ll be in Arizona mid October. I do hope I get a chance to see you again. If you need me, call. Sending love. ?

  2. Rhinda Hayden
    August 10, 2018 at 1:28 am (6 years ago)

    I will see you soon, dear friend! And yet, here is another blessing in the midst of the pain as you have encouraged me deeply through years of our family’s suffering, and I have longed to meet you and to somehow say “Thank you!” If there is ANYTHING we can do in Hershey to help you, please do not hesitate to ask!

    • Monica
      August 10, 2018 at 11:30 am (6 years ago)

      I will be so glad to meet you!

  3. Lori
    August 10, 2018 at 7:08 am (6 years ago)

    ??❤️ I love you.

  4. John Thomas
    August 10, 2018 at 7:14 am (6 years ago)

    I’m coming to Tucson in January to visit some friends and record an album in Sedona. Maybe I can see you then!

    • Monica
      August 10, 2018 at 11:28 am (6 years ago)

      Ohhhh yes! I would so love to see you.

  5. Rebecca
    August 10, 2018 at 7:26 am (6 years ago)

    You are not alone. I just spent from June 13 through July 30, inpatient more than out, at Hershey for the exact same reason. My lp shunt kept coming out. 4 revisions. I had a port implanted. An LP and so many CT scans and x-rays that I’ve lost count. My mantra became Psalm 27:14. “Wait on the Lord: be of good courage, and he shall strengthen thine heart: wait, I say, on the Lord.“
    Be vigilant about wearing the abdominal belt. It makes such a difference. The bedpan will become your friend. You cannot push too hard after the surgery because the muscles just don’t always heal right. This is the time to focus on yourself for a while. Something that can, as a mother, go against every single emotion you have. You have to be healed to be strong for them. You’re not being selfish to take that time. The fourth revision is holding for now. It does work. Have faith, be vocal, an advocate for yourself, have courage and the Lord will strengthen your heart. Many blessings to you.

  6. Kim Sproles
    August 10, 2018 at 9:08 am (6 years ago)

    Love you beyond measure!! Praying for you always. Praying for Arizona where you can be well.

  7. Paula Gamble
    August 10, 2018 at 11:56 pm (6 years ago)

    Praying, dear one! You inspire me so much! Sending so much love! May God strengthen and sustain you and your family!

  8. Caryn Christensen
    August 12, 2018 at 6:49 pm (6 years ago)

    Left a prayer in Messenger. Oh how I am praying…for ALL of this…for ALL of you. xxoxx
    And hey! Arizona is a whole lot closer to CA!

  9. Susan Barone
    August 20, 2018 at 1:27 am (6 years ago)

    Love this song and will keep playing it over and over. You are covered in prayers. I pray for your surgery and healing as well as safe travels.


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