“You mustn’t wish for another life.
You mustn’t want to be somebody else.
What you must do is this:
Pray without ceasing.
In everything give thanks.’
I am not all the way capable of so much, but those are the right instructions.”
― Wendell Berry, Hannah Coulter
I’m falling into bed after my fifth plasmapheresis treatment. Today the dialysis floor was overflowing. They took me down to a room in an empty corridor in the ICU. I began to panic a little more than usual. One of my lines wasn’t connected correctly and blood escaped in bright red spatters. My veins and heart keenly felt the flow of life and plasma leaving and bags of albumin returning. I shivered under a pile of blankets. I was alone. My dad dropped me and Dan was coming to get me after work. I did not have my usual nurse. The woman today had only done this treatment one other time by herself. She was interested in learning, and it exhausted me to communicate even the most basic parts of my story in a way she could understand. Instead of shining the beauty of His saving and sustaining me day by day I was dim. All that telling made me wish I was somebody else. It made me wish for another life.
This is when hiding God’s Word in your heart counts the most. Lamentation 3:21-26 covered me.
Yet this I call to mind
and therefore I have hope:
Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed,
for his compassions never fail.
They are new every morning;
great is your faithfulness.
I say to myself, “The Lord is my portion;
therefore I will wait for him.”
The Lord is good to those whose hope is in him,
to the one who seeks him;
it is good to wait quietly
for the salvation of the Lord.
Pray no matter what?
Give thanks for this?
These are the right instructions.
I am incredibly grateful for those of you who carry me on my mat to Jesus in these times. Your love and encouragement make me braver. Your support means the world to my family and I. We have never felt alone.
Our Hope remains.